I know i'm not the only one so I write with a voice of understanding and empathy.
One of the definitions of Father is "A man who provides care and protects."
Life's not fair.
My innocence was taken at a young age, I was 5 when he died, exposed to things that I wouldn't have been had the situation been different. Growing up I remember countless times wishing I had my Daddy wondering if things would've been better if he was here and no matter how hard I wished it didn't and couldn't bring him back. No protection, left open the big wide world Ihad to learn to protect myself. People look at you differently when you're fatherless, they instantly judge you, treat you differently and you're automatically another statistic.
Reasons not excuses.
Looking back on my behaviour brings pain, hurt and joy. All of us have our own journey from which we learn but as I stand here, literally, I'm thinking about some of the decisions I've made and finally understanding why I made them. Circumstances cause you to make decisions, good or bad. It's difficult to make good decisions in bad situations but back then I didn't know what I know now. Everything happens for a reason and our behaviour is a reaction to whatever is happening around us at the time.
A cry of relief.
I sat in the bath and cried. This time it was a different type of cry, one of happiness and relief. I no longer had to be strong by force, although it's now installed in me by nature there's no need for me to be so guarded. I spent my pubescent years with my guard up in an attempt to protect myself, "dying inside but on the outside looking fierce" as Tupac said, yet still trying to keep my head up. I didn't want to be seen as weak, if I didn't protect myself who would?
I'm good, now when people ask if I'm ok my response is honest. Quite often when asked "how are you?" If I were to give a real answer, people wouldn't know what to say. People always expect your response to be a good one. Circumstances mould you as a person and as the days go by my understanding of life and the way I live it grows. It was only last year that I learned to love myself and do what I want regardless of what people think. This is my story, well, a part of it. It's who I am, MY journey that sets me apart from everyone else and I've learnt to accept it. No matter what life throws at me I'll never give up, I've got a lot to prove to myself and my guardian Angels.
Just a few scattered thoughts I've had, I hope they make sense to the ones that need to see this.